How did I get here?
I had good intentions. I always did... And now I wonder how the hell I ended up here where I'm at.
It was a month-long road trip through the country of South Africa the summer before my senior year that gave me purpose. Away went my childhood vision of becoming a veterinarian and now I wanted to save the world. It's not to say that veterinarians don't have purpose - I am still quite fond of this profession. I just wanted to make some kind of global impact...I know it sounds like a lofty goal and I can assure it doesn't stem out of some sort of large ego. I don't know, somewhere along the line I got this idea that one should always extend themselves to the general benefit of humankind.
Anyway, aside from spectacular views, a collection of photos, several bottles of wine, and new friends and experiences, the most powerful thing I took back with me was the image of driving out of a small town that we stopped in for a travel break - the view of a cemetery with rows upon rows of fresh graves. There were three funerals going on simultaneously. AIDS. It hits the isolated towns the hardest with possibly half the population infected (a statistic from my professor, can not confirm with a source). I went home with a plan. I retook immunology, the bane of my college existence (I withdrew the first time), meeting moderate success the second time around. If only I knew then what I know now...
I graduated and applied for a job in HIV/AIDS research with my current employer. I was basically assured I had a position there, but it took a while to come through. Meanwhile I was broke and jobless and living rent-free in my family's unkempt log cabin in the woods on the side of a mountain in Harpers Ferry, West Va. My dog was my best friend. And my cousin, Kristen! And several spiders that I refused to evict because they were there first. Oh man, that was the life... Alas, my cousin left to return to school and a 95 year old German woman became my best friend. As you can imagine, I didn't have much in common with a 95 year old woman (and she always tried to feed me sausage). I got a little lonely.
Meanwhile, the job had finally come through. I was really doing this. I learned so much working in the lab on our HIV vaccine studies, I was quite happy for a while. I bought a house in Hagerstown. Why? I am still trying to figure this one out. I had to leave my green mountain home because my car wouldn't survive the winter commute up and down the mountain (learned the hard way). First, I got an apartment in Hagerstown at the suggestion of a boy I was dating (stupid boys) because it was cheaper. Then I guess I bought the house because I was convinced I was paying too much for the apartment (another suggestion from a different boy...dammit). Anyway, it seemed like a good idea at the time. And now I'm stuck.
It's making me rethink everything in my life. I have too much crap, my possessions are dragging me down. I have so many interests in alternative careers, but none of them will support this standard of living that I've created for myself by owning this house. I can't stand living in Hagerstown another day and there isn't a lot I can do about it until I sell this damn thing. On the other hand, I will not lie - I loved the freedom of painting every room a different color, creating my little inside oasis. But I am really missing the simplicity of renting, the feeling of impermanence and less obligation. Or maybe more just the type of life that goes with it. Maybe I should just go back to being jobless and living in the woods...
It was a month-long road trip through the country of South Africa the summer before my senior year that gave me purpose. Away went my childhood vision of becoming a veterinarian and now I wanted to save the world. It's not to say that veterinarians don't have purpose - I am still quite fond of this profession. I just wanted to make some kind of global impact...I know it sounds like a lofty goal and I can assure it doesn't stem out of some sort of large ego. I don't know, somewhere along the line I got this idea that one should always extend themselves to the general benefit of humankind.
Anyway, aside from spectacular views, a collection of photos, several bottles of wine, and new friends and experiences, the most powerful thing I took back with me was the image of driving out of a small town that we stopped in for a travel break - the view of a cemetery with rows upon rows of fresh graves. There were three funerals going on simultaneously. AIDS. It hits the isolated towns the hardest with possibly half the population infected (a statistic from my professor, can not confirm with a source). I went home with a plan. I retook immunology, the bane of my college existence (I withdrew the first time), meeting moderate success the second time around. If only I knew then what I know now...
I graduated and applied for a job in HIV/AIDS research with my current employer. I was basically assured I had a position there, but it took a while to come through. Meanwhile I was broke and jobless and living rent-free in my family's unkempt log cabin in the woods on the side of a mountain in Harpers Ferry, West Va. My dog was my best friend. And my cousin, Kristen! And several spiders that I refused to evict because they were there first. Oh man, that was the life... Alas, my cousin left to return to school and a 95 year old German woman became my best friend. As you can imagine, I didn't have much in common with a 95 year old woman (and she always tried to feed me sausage). I got a little lonely.
Meanwhile, the job had finally come through. I was really doing this. I learned so much working in the lab on our HIV vaccine studies, I was quite happy for a while. I bought a house in Hagerstown. Why? I am still trying to figure this one out. I had to leave my green mountain home because my car wouldn't survive the winter commute up and down the mountain (learned the hard way). First, I got an apartment in Hagerstown at the suggestion of a boy I was dating (stupid boys) because it was cheaper. Then I guess I bought the house because I was convinced I was paying too much for the apartment (another suggestion from a different boy...dammit). Anyway, it seemed like a good idea at the time. And now I'm stuck.
It's making me rethink everything in my life. I have too much crap, my possessions are dragging me down. I have so many interests in alternative careers, but none of them will support this standard of living that I've created for myself by owning this house. I can't stand living in Hagerstown another day and there isn't a lot I can do about it until I sell this damn thing. On the other hand, I will not lie - I loved the freedom of painting every room a different color, creating my little inside oasis. But I am really missing the simplicity of renting, the feeling of impermanence and less obligation. Or maybe more just the type of life that goes with it. Maybe I should just go back to being jobless and living in the woods...
posted by Jocie at 12:40 PM
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