The Cheese Nazi

Today was a day of injustice. YES. Injustice, abuse of power, and food rationing. And it's not even noon!

Ondraya and I went to Sheetz for lunch, as we do with a certain frequency since it's so close to work. I generally order the same thing every time - a cheese and veggie sub with lettuce, tomato, green pepper, pickles, black olives, oregano, pepper, salt, and mustard. Said sub comes with three kinds of cheese: provolone, swiss and american. I HATE american cheese with a passion (it's not even real cheese!), so I always verbally request that they substitute cheddar for the american. No problemo.

TODAY. Today was different. Today when I requested my cheddar for american substitution, I was told NO. What??? I stared at the old hag for a second.

"Why not?" I implored, wide-eyed and mystified.

"I can't do substitutions" she said plainly, unapologetically.

"Seriously??? I ALWAYS get cheddar instead of american" I said. This is a normal thing!!! What the hell??? I was starting to panic in my head - I fucking HATE american cheese!!!

"You have to get it the way it says," she replied. "Sorry". Oh, but she was definitely NOT sorry.

"FINE!" I yelled. "WHATEVER!!!!" You may not know this about me, but I am really mature. I mean, clearly.

I angrily stalked the aisles for something else to add to my lunch purchase while relaying the details of my injustice to Ondraya. I couldn't even find anything else I wanted. In a huff, I went to pay for my FUCKING sangwich. The hag called my number and Ondraya grabbed it and handed it to me as I finished paying.

I hoisted the wrapped sandwich high above my head.

"THANK YOU, CHEESE NAZI!!!!!" I yelled. And we left.

Trial and Error

For all of my loyal poop story fans...

As I've written about many times before, work is never a pleasant place to poo. Let's face it, we'd rather take care of THAT business at home. I think we can all agree on that. In my office, we are lucky - we have a secret bathroom. It's like a pooping sanctuary...a true blessing considering that there are only two stalls in our regular womens bathroom. The only downside to the secret bathroom is that, while its good to have a mutual agreement with all of the office ladies that this is where the pooping occurs (some people have yet to catch on...grr...), if you are spotted entering this bathroom, everyone knows what you are likely doing there.

Now sometimes there are other reasons to use this bathroom - it's downstairs near both the front entrance and one of our conference rooms. So, you might be using this bathroom if you are in a meeting... You might also be using this bathroom if you are one of the ladies that takes walks during the day (this bathroom is also a locker/change room). Regardless, I feel its best not to allow people to wonder - so, I always use caution when approaching. I listen carefully for people in the hallway, as I do not want to be spotted entering or leaving the secret bathroom. I also listen for people IN the bathroom...because clearly when you go there to poo, you want to be alone.

Yesterday I had to poo at work. I tried to avoid it...but it quickly became impossible to ignore. I tiptoed down the stairs in super stealth mode...I peered up and down the hallway... I noticed there WAS a meeting going on in the small conference room, so I hurried to the door so as not to be spotted by anyone in attendance - I was golden. However, because I had to rush my entrance, it wasn't until I was IN the bathroom and the door shut behind me that I realized someone was there. *GASP*! It was our super adorable and wholesome receptionist who was freshening up after a walk. D'oh!!! What to do, what to DO... CRAP! I have no idea what I was thinking...but I just walked to the sink and washed my hands. Then I realized - no one in their right mind would actually believe that I had come all the way downstairs just to WASH MY HANDS - there's a bathroom AND a kitchen upstairs!!!! Gah! So I went into a stall, hoping she was on her way out. She ALSO went into a stall. NOOOOOOO!!! I couldn't do it. Not with her there. And I couldn't WAIT because she would totally know that I was waiting for her to leave. So I pissed, washed my hands again and left. FOILED.

About 30 minutes later I made another attempt. The receptionist's desk is right by the stairs, so there is no way I could have gone back down as soon as she came up! She would KNOW. So as I said, I gave it some time and went back down. The meeting was still going on, but other than that, the coast was CLEAR. Jackpot! I went in and did my thing, but in mid-wipe, I suddenly heard voices in the hallway...they were getting closer. "NOOOO," I thought, "Don't come in!" I had about a millisecond of relief when I realized it was a mans voice I was hearing but then it grew MUCH louder and I suddenly realized the bathroom door was open. OH MY GOD...A MAN WAS COMING IN THE WOMENS BATHROOM WHILE I WAS POOPING!!!! "What have I done to deserve this?!" I thought miserably. I was choking back a sob of frustration when as suddenly as it came, the voice disappeared... I guess he realized he was going in the wrong bathroom.

WHEW!!!!