Panic

I've started panicking. I don't have a good name for my photography. I don't have a website, except for flickr. I'm trying to design my own online portfolio and it's not working. I know what I want it to look like and it's not complicated, I just can't quite get the html down. I've done websites before, but my html skills are incredibly basic. Then, I'm staring at the logo I created and...it's fucking LAME. Not the image, but the title. Photography by Jocelyn. How fucking BORING. So that's when it it hit me that I need something better. I can't come up with anything catchy or cool that isn't stupid. Grr!!! I'm trying to inspire myself with things in my life...maybe something having to do with Quincy (my dalmatian, for those of you that don't know me)...nothing is standing out to me. *sigh*

I'm really getting stressed about this art show. I know it's going to be pretty DIY, nothing fancy, but I still have to make a bunch of prints and frame some of them. There's also a lot of things that I want to have done by then, like the website...maybe some info cards. Not really necessary, but it would probably be good to have something to give people that are interested. The other thing that's really getting to me is the stress of going, having people walk by my photos, show no interest or criticize them. I'm not very good at separating criticism of the things I do from criticism of ME. I'm really interested in getting into the art scene, trying to make something of the photos I take (as a productive hobby on the side), but suffice it to say, I'm feeling very small right now...

Lame

So I'm planning on doing an art show in Baltimore in October. I'm scared shitless. I foresee cool Baltimore art kids shuffling past my display of photos and not buying a damn thing. Ok, I really don't care if anyone buys anything or not... But it would be nice, considering that I just bought $100 worth of frames at A.C. Moore (huge sale!). I haven't signed up yet...but I bought the freaking frames so now I have to. Dammit.

It's Saturday, October 14th:

• BIG ART SHOW BALTIMORE #1 •
Saturday, October 14th @ Ottobar - 2549 North Howard Street - Baltimore, MD 21218
Doors @ 7 or 8 (? - flyer says one thing, website another) ~ $5 cover
http://bigartshow.com/events.html

So come; point and laugh at me while the cooler artier city kids sink my battle ship. Ha, I jest...but I'm really trying to make something of this hobby that I love...but I'm not a good judge of my own work and I'm not very good at selling my photos. I can't really imagine why anyone would want to hang my crap on their wall anyway (at least not if they have to pay for it). Sometimes I feel like my stuff is so effin' lame... People always joke on Flickr about how tired they are of seeing dog photos and cat photos. Ironically I seem to really excel at those. No, of course that's not all I do...just engaging in a little self-abuse.

Gone

Summer is officially over. I've pulled a cardigan on before leaving my house for the last two days in a row. Did I just use the word "cardigan"? I must be getting old. I've shut my bathroom window and I've started closing the door when I shower to keep the heat in. It seems so sudden... Last year it stayed warm forever... I'm not ready for the cold this year. I need someone to check out my steam ducts in the basement. One has rusted through the padded insulation. Hoping it hasn't actually rusted through the metal... Sometimes home ownership can be a real bitch.

On the up side...I really do like fall. Much more than I used to. It seems so peaceful...yet so full of anticipation. A strange seasonal limbo between the hot and cold. I like the sharpness of the air when it's cool, but not too cold. I like the colors of the leaves. I like apples and corn. I loooove Halloween. I like how the changing seasons make me feel like exploring - like everything I knew is suddenly different. It gets me out and about more. It's good.

Worst blogger ever...

Hmm...when I started this blog, I thought I'd be constantly full of wit and have fun stories and interesting things to say on a daily basis...or at least something close to that. Guess I was wrong.

Well, it's the five year anniversary of the 9/11 tragedy. I think the mood of the day was pretty much established when I walked out to my car in the drizzling rain and dropped my leftovers in the street while fumbling with my keys. The container cracked and I watched my soup run out into the street. *sigh*

I'm not one to feel unified under such circumstances...I've never considered myself to be very patriotic...save for a brief period in my youth when I would annoy the crap out of my dad by constantly singing patriotic songs every time we got in the car. Hey, he bought me that Wee Sing America book/cassette. His fault. No, I usually root for the underdog...which is rarely the great United States of America. I still have strange feelings about this day five years ago. Where was I at the time? I was sitting in my Entomology class wondering where my professor was. This was actually later in the morning - in all actuality I was probably making breakfast or getting ready for the day when the planes struck in NYC. I had no idea what had taken place. I rode my bike to class just like any other day. It was probably right around this time the plane hit the Pentagon. Our TA came in and announced that Dr. Fell wouldn't be in class. His morning flight had been cancelled because of "the planes in New York." What? "Some planes crashed into the World Trade Center this morning." Huh? I was bewildered. I remember feeling concern and curiosity - what was really going on?

I rode home after a short class. When I shut the door Lindsay ran out from her room crying. "Did you hear?!"

"I heard some planes crashed in New York? What's going on?" I asked.

"Jocie, it's awful! Come see!"

I followed her back to her room and sat on her bed, my eyes fixed on the news. My jaw dropped. I watched the video of the one smoking tower. I watched the other plane hit the second tower. People were jumping from the windows. I actually watched people fall to their death. I watched the towers crumble and fall. The tears were running down my face. My stomach lurched. Then she told me about the Pentagon. I remember she was trying desperately to get ahold of her dad because he worked on Capitol Hill and she was worried about him. I tried to call my mom, who was working at the CIA building in Langly, VA. We couldn't get through. I didn't know how to feel. I felt sad. I felt shocked. I felt sorry for all those people, for their families. I felt sorry for our country. But, I didn't feel angry. People had their theories at the time, but I didn't feel angry. It was tragic.

I hate the sensationalism behind the tragedy. I hate that people refer to it as the 9/11 "terrorist attacks". I hate that this and similar incidents are called "terrorism", but war is "war". War is only terrorism that is announced and made official. Is our military occupation of other countries not terrorism? Is the presence of American troops on Muslim holy ground not terrorism in their eyes? Is it not terrorism when fear is instilled into American minds by our own president making "them" out to be the bad guys? It wasn't senseless - they had reasons. I'm not excusing the attacks...I'm just saying that people are angry on all sides. In our own sadness and anger, in our shock that such an event actually occurred in OUR country for once, let's not forget that people elsewhere have suffered terrorisim at the hands of the U.S. And let's not forget that there are things our government has done to create this situation. It isn't one-sided. Think about where you direct your anger. Think about how we got where we are.